The Pillow Case

Brother Tom at the Vietnam War Memorial, known as the ‘Wall’, in Washington D.C.

After Tom passed away, there were an enormous range of emotions that I felt. My body was hurting, both physically and mentally. I was so furious  that he suffered for so long, and yet I was almost angry at him for leaving me behind.  I didn’t want to be here without him. 

I started  having dreams, the most vivid being,  Following his body bag, which was  an American flag, out of the hospice unit while taps were being  played.  His nurses lined up in the hallway as I continued to follow him out  to the waiting car that would take Him for cremation. This had become my nightmare on a daily basis.  

I felt so vulnerable, lonely, and lost. How I missed him! I missed  being held, and I missed feeling his breath on my neck, and a soothing hand rubbing my back telling me everything was OK and not to worry.

I slept in our king size bed and sometimes felt like the tiniest fish lost in this big sea of foam. There was no longer anyone to reach for, or to have talks with before sleep. There was no one to kiss good night, wish Sweet dreams and say I love you. The only things I had left, were beautiful memories and his pillow that he had taken from home and had brought into hospice.  When he died, I brought it home and I treasured, and slept with it every night. 

It was about six or seven months since he passed away, and I had never removed his pillowcase.   I just wasn’t  ready to do that, not yet.  In my mind, it just seemed to keep him there with me, just a bit longer. But I knew as time went on, it would be something I would have to do. And so, I began to look at that pillowcase almost as symbolic, and felt and knew in my heart, that in order to start my healing process,  I would have to let go of his pillowcase. I would always have our beautiful memories and special moments tucked away in my heart forever.  

One morning I arose early, and looked at the pillow I still cradled in my arms. I don’t know why, but I knew today was the day.  I took his pillow from our bed, hugged it tight one more time, And while tears rolled gently down my face, I delicately removed his pillowcase.  It was so difficult, but I also knew it was time to try and start my healing process.  

He made me promise not to sit and wallow for months after he died.  To honor his wishes, I knew It was time for me  to move on to the next phase of my life which God had already planned out and I would gladly accept.